Abbie Not Abigail

My heart is heavy today.

A year ago today, my cousins lost their mother, my grandpa lost his daughter, my dad lost his little sister, and I lost an incredible aunt. In reality, the amount of relationships that were effected by the passing of my aunt could go on and on. As I sit and reflect on the life of my aunt with crocodile tears streaming down my face and a knot in my stomach, I can't help but feel such a mix of emotions. Well I want to sit here and have a pity party for those of us who have been left to grieve her loss and the empty spot that she used to fill in our family, I can't help but be moved by the privilege I had of knowing her for 22 years. 

When processing through all of it, I can't help but feel angry. Angry at the fact that my cousin will be getting married this summer and his mom won't be there to see him on one of the most important days of his life. Angry that my dad had to say goodbye to one of his best childhood friend. Angry that my grandpa had to bury his daughter, years after the cancer took my grandma away from him... I can sit here and be pissed about this emptiness and pain that has invaded our lives sinse her passing... Or I can choose to understand this amazing legacy that she has left behind. 

Not only was Aunt Elaine an amazing mother, daughter, sister, aunt, and friend... She truly showed Christ to everyone around her. Her life was about serving others and pouring her love and energy into the relationships she had in her life. She always put family first. I can vividly remember the last thing that Aunt Elaine said to me, as we stood in the kitchen of their house. She looked me in the eye and pointed to my cousins and then me and said, "you guys stick together". She had always been the glue to the family. The one to organize holiday get togethers and the one to make way too much food at Christmas Eve gatherings. That statement resonated with me.

As our family sat at lunch today and talked about Aunt Elaine, my dad pointed something out. As cliche as it may sound, and as often as I hear it, it's always an amazing reminder. We can't live in the past. We can appreciate relationships we've had, seasons that have come and gone, but we can't dwell on what has happened. We HAVE to live in the present. That goes along too with not trying to fast forward through life and plan, plan, plan.

 Life is for living right now... 

and that is exactly what Aunt Elaine would have wanted. 

Aunt Elaine passed away 2 days after her 50th birthday... But let me tell you, those fifty years were well spent. I keep this frame of Aunt Elaine on my nightstand, a constant reminder to me to live in the present. To stop trying to figure everything out with life and getting caught up with the mundane stupid things that capture so much of our hearts and energy. Life is about relationships, about loving people, even when you don't even want to, and about living for something so much more than we can even comprehend.