Abbie Not Abigail

I was starting to clean my room today, in the beginning process of moving everything out of the house, and I ran across this masterpiece that Bethany had made for me last summer. When she had given me this random gift I had set it atop my bookshelf and simply used it as a little extra decor. I thought it was thoughtful and the quote was catchy and cute, but I never really took the time to really read it. As I glanced at it today, before moving it so I could dust off it's disgusting shelf it sits on, it made me think. 

"true, loving human soul" 

Something that's been on my mind so much lately are the friendships in my life. I've got so many amazing friends that I've had the opportunity to share life with. I'm constantly doing phone/ coffee/ skype dates with friends trying to play "catch up" with every one, all the time. I'm not talking just Grand Rapids pals... I'm talking friends who have moved away for jobs and grad school and marriages. 

Sometimes I have to admit... I feel warn out from this constant pressure to always be fully invested in every single friends lives. To always have the best advice, to always be a shoulder to cry on, to always put a smile on my face and go out for every birthday and every occassion that comes up and say yes to every invitation with a large smile on my face. I'll admit it, I'm a people pleaser. 

... In being a people pleaser, I find that so much of the time my heart is honestly not fully there for the people that do mean the most to me in my life. In trying to be everyone's "bff", my prideful self gets in the way. My motives are so often about how other people are perceiving the thoughtful things I do for friends and it becomes a game of trying to get every one to appreciate me and what I do for them. My actions are coming from complete selfish ambition and drive. 

I really do desire to have friendships that are not manipulated by selfish thoughts. I want to be more intentional with my relationships and love people. Not because I expect that love to be reciprocated back to me, but because I truly do love that person.