Abbie Not Abigail

"So who are you today?"

.. I kid you not, these are the words that have started many of my mornings. Being a fill in substitute teacher, I float around. I fill in for people. I literally have to act like that teacher, follow the rules of their classroom, and stick to the lessons that they have prepared. Now don't get me wrong here, I still feel incredibly blessed to have the degree that I have and the ability to work with kids like I do, but this is such an every day challenge for me.

Stepping back, I've really had to examine my heart in all of this. Why does this pull on my heartstrings so much? Why is it that I ache so badly to be able to have my own classroom? Why do I feel that underlying pressure to be in a relationship at my age? Why do I get so upset about telling people I'm almost 24 years old, living at home and working as a substitute teacher?

What I think it really comes down to is what we allow ourselves to define us. Careers, relationships, stereotypes, status... All of these can become enslaving to us. Creating that identity can become all consuming, and most of the time we don't even notice it.

Yes, being a teacher is such a beautiful thing in a lot of ways, and there is so much blessing in that career choice, but it's not soley who I am.

Yes, I have an incredible family who love me... But my family name is not soley who I am.

Yes, I love to play volleyball and golf and tennis... But being an athlete is not soley who I am.

Yes, I love my friends to death and am so incredibly thankful for each and every one of them... But my circle of friends and acquaintences is not soley who I am.

While I'm not at all claiming that these are bad things... these titles that begin to explain "who abbie is", are never going to truly encompass who I was ultimately created to be:

for you are a chosen people. You are royal priests, a holy nation, God's very own possession. As a result, you can show others the goodness of God, for he called you out of the darkness into his wonderful light. Once you had no identity as a people now you are God's people. (1 Peter 2:9-10)

As Brennan Manning once said, "Define yourself as one radically beloved by God. God's love for you and his choice of you consitute your worth. Accept that, and let it become the most important part of your life."

I need to stop trying to perform and put on a show for everyone else.

When I'm not rooted in my true identity in Christ, I so easily find that I'm so much more vulnerable to letting the World define who I am.

There is so much freedom in letting myself be defined by the only One who really matters.